Geography

Sometimes I get confused about where I want to be.
Geographically speaking, that is.

Ideally, I could put my family in a suitcase and tote them around with me all over the world. You know, let them out, to go live about an hour away. I think that'd be a nice distance. Definitely close enough I could drive over a couple times a week if I really wanted, but if I didn't....

I like Wheaton well enough, but I don't think I want to make a long-term commitment. It's a bit more like friends with benefits. Warrenville is much more amicable, I think. It has forest preserves and only 14,000 people. And they actually have yards and houses that are 20ish years old. Still, I'm not sure our long term goals are quite the same.

But I'll stay here for now, I need my church. It's the whole reason I'm where I'm at geographically. They are the closest thing I have to family around here. They are almost all my friends, pretty much my only social life and a great means of grace in my life right now.

I think I want to go back to Turkey, but I don't want to go alone. It is starting to feel a bit more like a haze. And yet, just mention Santa Claus or tulips and you'll see that it's a stream not far below the surface, still. I think that is where I am supposed to be.

But I waver.

I know of godly men who are being led other places. If they asked me out for coffee I wouldn't turn them down.

I read One Thousand Splendid Suns this week. I think someday I will at least need to visit Afghanistan. There is a part of me that identifies with it- its rich history and traditions, its quiet unassuming beauty that continues to rise out the war and the rubble that life has put it through. And there is so much need there. Perhaps I could be useful there, wouldn't take too much, I think sometimes- like washing feet, anyone could do it. Even me, maybe.

My new brothers have reminded me of the exuberant culture of Latin America and it reminds me of how much I enjoy it. Plus, I'm a bit more comfortable with that language and it seems so much...closer...attainable.

If there is a standard 20something Haze, I think I'm in it. My ideas of what I want from life, and what I want to give back in this life, seem like unconnected dots. Stars in the sky whose constellation is yet unnamed.