If in we, in our own strength, did confide

I've been in Macau, China, for 3 days now. Yesterday and the day before I kept having to tell myself that I was in China, that I was really looking at the things I was looking at. This was mostly due to jet-lag, not awe. But, today, I know I'm in China.

Some thoughts from the first couple of days:

Isolated from communication-
Traveling across the world produces 2 interesting phenoemana. First, jet lag. Secondly, lack of linguistic abilities. In the last few days these two factors linked arms and hollered at me. "Red Rover, Red Rover, send RAYANNA on over!" I think I only gotten about halfway to their line before tiring out, let alone through it. In some ways, I felt like a sponge- soaking up everything I saw. It was all intake, intake, intake. Sometimes, I could kid myself that I was feeling just fine and functioning just fine- when all that was required was intake. But the moment I needed to output something, whether it was to decide what kind of food to eat or to process what I was taking in. My brain made a sound equivalent to an electronic "waaararoooo" and shut down, kicking me out into the fog.


"Huh, what? Ahhhh, I don't know..." (I say as I try to remember the difference between hot and cold and how they will affect my body if that outcome is the outcome I need given the circumstances of the moment...come on, that really is a lot to think about just to order a drink!) Thankfully, my sister is the only that speaks Chinese out of the two of us and it's easier to let her order anyway. I did try to order in Chinese yesterday morning when I was by myself. It was at McDonald's (I know, I know, but it was one of the only places open my sister could point me to before heading off to class...well, minus the one that I was overwhelmed at, but that's a different story). So, I figured all I needed to do was haul out my phrasebook and locate the "I would like" sentence and the number "5" word. "Ngaw seung yiu ng." Right. It succeeded enough that they promptly spoke to me in Cantonese at a rapid pace, but failed in that the original order they keyed in was way less than what I thought I ordered and when I attempted to correct this, we got out the picture menu. But I ended up a pretty good bowl of "sausage and twisty noodles" a type of Chinese style breakfast soup.

Not being able to communicate has more serious implications though- I have no idea what is going on with the people around me. Other than being aware that I'm about to run someone over or that they are going to run me over (at this point I thank my sister profusely for teaching me "ng goy" the first night here...kind of a generic excuse me that is used profusely), I can't tell what kind of issues concern people or what they are talking about. I haven't spent enough time with anyone who doesn't speak English yet to feel overly frustrated by this, as happened in Turkey. Instead, I feel a bit numb to those around me and rather cut off from the world. And began to feel like perhaps this world was completley different than the one I knew. Maybe people here don't have any common ground with my life back home. In my jet lagged state life back home, even for me, seemed like a misty dream. Jet lag made it feel a bit like being in the twilight zone, lack of true communication made me feel a bit like a Martian. But we were all Martians, no emotions or philosophical conundrums present-just water and carbon. I think that this desire to affirm our humanity perhaps put a little extra pressure on conversations with my sister. All the sudden I remembered that somewhere I had opinions and feelings...but couldn't remember where to locate them. So, what got communicated were vague, emotions that were not always helpful.

An extension of this, was that I began to realize that I felt disconnected even from Jesus. Not that He was distanced so much as irrelevant. As if my relationship with Him were more like chemistry and I was trying to write a book. This morning, when I woke up sleepy, but fog-free, this all hit me and I realized that part of this is because I've been removed from my normal routines, the normal way of life, the little "Christian" things I do that cue me in to reliaze that I'm "with" Jesus. And it's made me think, have I, in more ways than I realize, made my walk with Christ into a ritualistic religion? If it's that dependant on particular activities, instead of conversation and relationship? And if I have, how is that different than the incense burning in front of the altars outside of shop doors or the apples and oranges offered up to an idol inside on an altar?

Today, I read in the book we are going through for Bible study back home that our weaknesses push us to God. That when we struggle with different things that should be a reminder that it does not depend on us, but on His strength. I remember thinking while in World Religious Systems that if I had been left to my own I would probably have been some form of Buddhist because I naturally gravitate toward rituals and formalized expressions to appease deity and keep myself in the good graces of Heaven.

I am so thankful that I was not left to myself, that it depends on Jesus and His work on my behalf, not on my works. I am grateful that His grace and protection of me abundantly covers me even when I'm lost in a fog. Yes, there are certain characteristics that mark a believer, but I am glad that we are not expected to be perfected yet and that when I am I asking the above questions I can simply come to Jesus and say "here I am, clueless, and in need of You."

And, that meanwhile, I can continue to enjoy His gracious gift of this trip. :)